Friday, October 23, 2015

Demonology Files: Lucifer

Long before God's own personal Hell Week (because creating earth, and all the animals, and all the plants, and humans, all in one week has got to be a pain), he ruled his hosts of angels. And his favorite was Lucifer.

Lucifer was hot stuff, and he knew it. You don't get the name "Morning Star" for nothing. He was the Queen B, the Cool Kid everyone wanted to hang out with.

Until God said, "Oh, by the way I have a Son, and he's going to be my right-hand man from now on."

Lucifer paused. Blinked. "Uh, what?"

God's the type of parent who likes to show off his kid. And I mean really, really show him off. And that's fine; if you have a kid like Jesus, then you should show him off. He's only the Messiah.

But Lucifer was getting sick of it. All this attention going to this new kid? The throne, the crown, the singing, the bowing...Come on.

The final straw was God having these super-secret meeting with Jesus about how they should create humanity and what destiny it should have. No angels allowed.

Lucifer called a meeting of all the angels and said, "God's being a dick, in fact has always been a dick, and I don't him in charge anymore. I want overthrow God and replace his monarchy with a democracy."

And about a third of the angels said, "Great! We're in!"

And everyone else said, "Uh, this is a problem."

Now, God could've very easily plucked Lucifer by his foot and chucked out of Heaven like bad meat. But He was smart. He knew that if he did that, all the other angels who supported Lucifer (whether openly or secretly) would still be around to piss Him off. So, he waited.

More and more angels declared for Lucifer, and still, God waited.

When Lucifer had as many people on his side as he could get--a little less than half of all the angels--he marched straight up to God, who was sitting on His throne, and said, "Beat it."

God's reply was, "How about no?"

Lucifer looked behind him at his army of angels. "You really want this to go down?"

"No, I'd much rather you take all of your friends and leave forever. Now."

"Make me."

And God said, "Challenge accepted."

The thing with Heaven is it's several thousand feet in the air, just sort of chilling on a bunch of clouds. And the thing with God is He's the one who determines whether or not his angels have wings.

So first, God said the word and Lucifer and all of his supporters lost their wings.

Then he pressed a button that opened up the trap door beneath Lucifer and all his friends. Like Mr. Burns.

And now they're in Hell.

The end! 

Okay, maybe it was a bit more dramatic than a trap door, but that's the jist of it. 


Traditionally, this was less of an origin story about the Devil and more of a warning on just how much pride and arrogance can F you up. Satan was God's BFF, His favorite angel. Then he let his pride get in the way and now he's burning in Hell like BBQ steak on the grill.

Today, it's something a little different. Lucifer didn't go toe-to-toe with God just because he was jealous of Jesus (though that obviously set him off). Every decision, every law, everything that determined the angels' lives was chosen by God. They had no say in the matter. No exceptions. You follow His word to the letter or you get booted out of Heaven.

Lucifer disagreed with the whole system. He wanted to replace the current form of government--essentially a monarchy--with something democratic. He wanted the angels to be able to make their own decisions.

This is why Satanists view Lucifer (or, as many of them call him, Set) not as a symbol of evil, but as a symbol of rebellion, independence, unorthodox ideas. Basically, if God is the stern father who makes all the rules and expects you to follow them, Lucifer's the cool uncle who lets you break all of those rules and won't tell Dad.

Obviously, that idea's not mainstream. Just look at movies. The Omen, Rosemary's Baby, anything that has a demon or the Devil in some form has him as the bad guy, and all of his followers are bad guys. And if Hollywood were to ever do a movie with Satanist-sympathetic views, the actors would be shunned, the director would be fired, and the producers would burn the film and pray it never comes up again. Because that First Amendment, that freedom of religion thing? That's more of a guideline than a rule, anyway.


For a more orthodox telling of Lucifer's fall, go here.
For the website of the Official Church of Satan, go here.


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